Home Improvement

After last week's post , my heart has been so blessed. To be honest, I expected silence from that blog. Uncomfortable silence. Instead, you all have opened your own hearts to me sharing how you'd been there, are there or feel like you're getting there. I've been able to hear how you are starting over in your own marriages after my 'coming clean' and to say that it has brought confirmation that it was the right time/place to share our story is an understatement. I'm thankful God moved on my heart and brought my fingers to the keys last Monday night.

In light of that, I asked my husband if he'd be willing to write a little something regarding the healing in our marriage. We both have seen so much change in our relationship and own lives, that I knew he'd have something valuable to share.

As I read his entry, I couldn't help but think about how much we as women, in an effort to be 'equal'  can end up taking away any chance our husbands have of supporting, loving, and providing for us in the way God has intended. At the same time, as this happens, men over time haven't stood up and been firm in their roles. Maybe because what Josh talks about below is just easier than fighting with a stubborn woman who wants her way (even if it's not the best way). Regardless, God has set in place a perfect design for the marital relationship if we are willing to follow it. It doesn't mean that women can't be strong, work, provide and have opinions. It does mean that we have to be willing to let our husbands lead our families. We trusted them enough to marry them and have children with them, we MUST trust them enough to guide us and take care of us.

And now, a word from My Mr....

My darling wife has asked me to write something for this blog.  I said “sure!”  That was stupid.  I failed to consider the fact that most of you who are reading this blog are women; and many of you have been very moved by one or more of Amanda’s posts.  I am glad that she has been able to share our experiences; but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a bit intimidating to try to follow all of that. 

If you have been reading you know by now that things are really good between Amanda and I right now; but that this hasn’t always been the case.  While she has shared several reasons for this already; including her past and how that shaped her perceptions of relationships; it’s not the whole story.  The rest of the story might not be as interesting; but it may be the most common thread in all of this. 

For the first 10+ years of our marriage; I had no idea how to be the husband that Amanda needed and deserved.  Don’t get me wrong, I was the perfect husband… if you judge by what you see on TV.  I had fallen into the prototypical role of a husband/father that is depicted in nearly every American sit-com in the past 40 years.  I had a job; came home; spent time in the recliner in front of the TV, patiently waiting on my wife to hurry it up with dinner; and played the part of the overgrown child fairly well.  I reasoned that I worked hard; and when I came home it was my time to relax; grumble if the kids were too loud; and catch up on whatever I could manage on Sportscenter.  If I was involved in something; it was one of my projects; a race-car; a truck that I never got quite right; something that separated me from my family.

All of this seemed perfectly normal.  From Tim Allen to Homer Simpson to Ray Romano; I was fitting right into the mold.  Unfortunately; it’s not a mold that anyone should want to fit into.  This isn’t what I needed; what Amanda needed; and definitely not what my two young daughters needed.  Husbands are not another child to raise.  They aren’t to be buffoons that our wives get together and one-up each other with embarrassing stories over.  Whether or not we are the primary financial provider (which is less and less likely) we should come home to be engaged with our families; not to shut them out.  My daughters need to see someone who is happy to see them and play with them.  Who shows them attention and loves their mother.  My wife needs to know that I can’t wait to get home to her; not ESPN.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t take time to rest or re-charge; but should we be doing that at the expense of the people we love most?

As Amanda and I reassessed our roles in our marriage; it forced me to look at my role in our family overall.  I’m still working on it.  There are still times that I fail to show my family the attention that the need and deserve; but I’m working on it.  I may never be the perfect husband or father; but I can darn sure beat the Tool Man.

From the Word:

25 Husbands, love your wives the same as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. Ephesians 5:25

4 He must be a good leader of his own family. 1 Timothy 3:4

18 Wives, be willing to serve your husbands. This is the right thing to do in following the Lord.

19 Husbands, love your wives, and be gentle to them. Colossians 3:18-19

Playing dress up

I've not always been a girly girl. Never a tomboy per say, but not super girly. I never wore makeup and had NO CLUE when it came to styling myself. I was a jeans and t-shirt, hair in a pony tail kind of girl and happy with that. :)
When my company launched our Grace Adele line, I was excited but so intimidated because I didn't know how I was going to be able to sell style when I had none!
Thank goodness that I am exactly who this line is geared towards. A whole system that makes styling simple. Everything matches everything. No fear of looking like a hot mess. It's made it so much easier for me to feel and look put together. Not only is that great for my role in my business because I can present a more professional appearance, but it is also pleasing for my husband who prefers the put together look over yoga pants and tank tops. :) It actually was something we discussed when we reestablished our roles in our marriage this Spring. I didn't realize it was something important to him, but it worded it so well that I couldn't take offense, but saw clearly his point. I always want to make him proud of me and eager to show me off as his wife and to do that, I have to feel and look it and when I look it, I feel it. I also now make sure I look my best for him when he comes home from work each day (if I can). He doesn't ask me to do this, I desire to do it for him.

Now I'm still not a big makeup wearer or fancy schmancy dresser. A typical day means pressed powder, mascara and lip gloss (which suits the hubby just fine especially when it's my Rio Beach gloss ;) and since I'm running around with my littles, it may still be jeans and good  t-shirt, but I've traded flip flops for cute sandals and I always throw on a pair of earrings. It's amazing how a great pair of earrings can dress you up and give you that 'put together' look in an instant.

These are my favorite pair right now. They are called Marguerite. I wear them almost everyday. They go from grocery store to church to dinner to home party and work with everything I own.

Do you consider yourself girly? What one accessory or item makes you feel 'put together'?

Coming next week: 

I'll be having a guest blogger come and share his side of our story. I'm kind of in love with him. ;)

Stay tuned!

5 ways to love your husband

I thought this was the perfect way to follow Mondays post. Thank you all so very much for sharing your words, encouragement and stories with me. It was truly a scary blog to write, but I have been given so much confirmation since then that it was the right story at the right time. I always love how God moves when we allow him to use us. I am humbled and inspired by you and I value each of you greatly!

So in the same vein, here are some great ways we as wives can love our husbands....

How do you show your husband love? (let's keep it clean folks!) ;)

Learning how to love my husband

I've been wanting to write all weekend. I've told my hubby that I just couldn't think of what to write, when in all reality, I knew what I NEEDED to write. So why put it off? Maybe it's fear of being judged or misunderstood. Maybe it's fear of hurting someones feelings. Maybe it's because when it's finally written, I'm finally admitting how close Josh and I were to losing each other.

Regardless of those things, the time is now to share this with you.

If you know my husband and I, you have probably noticed a difference in us of late. It could be how we talk to or about each other or it might be how we act around each other. It might be that we hold hands in church, kiss in front of our girls or strive to support and make each other feel as valuable as we can.
We've actually had a few people say they've noticed something was different, but couldn't figure out what or why.

I have to stop right here and tell you that even as I type, this makes my heart sad. It's sad to me that the 'changed' us is doing this when as a married couple, we should have been doing this for the last 12 years. But I digress.

I think for you to really understand how we got here, you need to know more about me.
You see, I was never set up to succeed in marriage. I am the product of divorce and so are both of my parents. I don't ever remember my parents being together.

As I grew up, my relationship with my dad was very strained. I wanted nothing to do with him because I thought he felt the same for me. (let me insert here and tell you that now I have a great relationship with my dad and love him very much. I hate how much time we lost but am grateful for what we have now)
 I also watched my mom go through an extremely abusive relationship. I have images of a man hitting my mother that I've never been able to erase from my memory. I watched her look for love for a long time only to have her heart broken over and over again.

Needless to say, not only did I not have an example of a healthy marriage or relationship to follow, but my respect for men in general was quite lacking.Why did I need that? But the truth is, I did need that. Not what I was seeing or experiencing, but I wanted to grow up and get married some day and for that marriage to last forever.

I only dated one person before I met Josh. I will not go into the details of that relationship because it isn't necessary. What I will say is that I let that relationship ruin a lot simply because I wanted to be loved and I let myself believe that what I was experiencing, even though my heart knew better. When the time had come that he was done with me, I was left feeling worthless. Let me be clear in saying that this relationship did not steal from me what I was saving for my future husband, but emotionally, I was certainly broken because of it.

Once again, another experience that was robbing me of knowing what it meant and how to love a husband.

That same year, I met Josh and 2.5 years later, we were married. We struggled so much in the beginning. Not only financially, but  we also had things enter our marriage years that caused bitterness and heartache. Some things within our control and some things out. Divorce was never an option nor will it ever be. We were just going to have to get through it.

4 years in, we welcomed our first daughter. She was my little light and still is. She became the priority in my life above all else. Josh took second seat. 3.5 years later when our second daughter came along, he had to move to the third row. They were my shield from a heart that was still healing. They were my excuse as to why time with him wasn't a priority. I'm being brutally honest here, please don't judge me. I'm sure he had his things too. Things he used to cover the brokenness he was feeling. We would even go on overnight trips during this time to get away and try to just be 'us', but we sat in silence often. Neither of us were willing to break that silence because it meant showing each other how icky we felt on the inside.

Let's now jump forward to last February. 11.5 years having passed. Arguments in front of our children over silly things, going to bed angry with each other over nothing. Slowly growing apart behind our home's doors, while acting as if all was well on the other side of them. We had grown so far apart, that I couldn't even kiss him. Weeks would pass. Even as I type this out, I cry. It absolutely breaks my heart. He didn't deserve that.

Then everything changed. In February, whether it's because we had people praying for us or because God finally broke down the pride that lived in our hearts, everything changed. For the first time, in a very long time, we were able to sit down with each other and be honest...about everything. The difference here was that we didn't become defensive or run in circles saying "I'm doing this because you're doing that" which had been our go to so many times. We sat and we listened. We not only listened, but we heard. We heard how we had hurt each other with our actions and words. Little things that left gaping holes. I cried, we forgave and committed to start over again. It was then I knew that I needed to learn how to love my husband. I didn't know how before and that lack of knowledge, had it not been for stubborness, would have been what destroyed my marriage and would have left my own children as a product of their own parents divorce.

We have spent the last 6 months learning how to love each other better. We are communicating now in a way that we hadn't in the last 12 years. We are very open and honest about every little thing because when there is honesty, that's where love grows best.

I've learned that my husband needs to feel loved just as I do, but it's just in different ways. He needs to feel respected and looked up to. He needs to feel that he has the final say and that I trust him enough to follow him. He needs me to tell him I love him. Most of all, he needs me to let him love me.

What I've learned is that because of all my past hurts, I couldn't let Josh really love me. Maybe it was all subconscious, but I couldn't let what happened to my mom, happen to me. I needed to be the one in control. I couldn't let a man hurt me.  That coupled with little to no self worth and value, my marriage was a recipe for disaster. Not because I didn't love Josh, but because I wouldn't let him really love me. Not only that but I truly believe that if we do not believe that we are worthy or love or valuable enough for it, we can never really let someone love us and what a dishonor we do ourseleves because of it.

I am so thankful for Josh. I cannot say this enough. He knows more about me than anyone. He knows how my heart has been damaged and he knows the struggles I get up and face every single day. He puts up with a lot(A LOT)  of crazy, but yet he loves me. I am so thankful, even if it was because of pride, that he didn't walk away. We've talked about all of this since, for lack of a better term, the healing has taken place in our marriage and both of us have admitted to thinking at times of walking away. Not because we got in crazy huge fights or hated each other, but because we were both missing the love we so desperately needed from our marriage and we both wanted the other to have better than we were to them.

We have learned what it will take for us both to feel like we are living in a successful, love fueled marriage and strive every day to be that for each other. I have realized that I find worth and value and joy in working to become a Proverbs 31 wife to my God fearing husband. To be submissive in the way God intends and not the way society distorts. To honor Josh in the way I act towards others and towards him. In the way I dress and the way I raise our children and even the way I run my business and take care of our home.

I am finally learning how to love my husband and it is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.

So if you've seen this change in us and are wondering what has happened, now you know and I hope you can understand the freedom we now feel in our marriage. I hope you see that we are two people who are crazy in love with other like we've never been or never knew possible before. I hope you see two parents working hard to break a cycle and show their daughter's what a great marriage looks like. An example of a woman who loves and  respects her husband and a husband who loves and respects his wife. A mother working towards a Proverbs 31 life.

If you find yourself in a marriage that's struggling, let me encourage you to not give up. Fight for it with all you have. Find someone who can minister to you and your spouse. Be honest and communicate clearly without tearing the other down. Know that they need to feel loved just as you need to feel loved. Give it all you have because you may be just around the corner from finding your healing.

-Amanda


From the Word:

 Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and it cannot be made angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. 1 Corinthians 13:5

 Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. 1 Corinthians 13:7

The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground. 1 Peter 3:7

By looking at them, the younger women will know how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. Titus 2:4

he same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.

4-6 Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands 1 Peter 3:14

10

That is a good day!

I hadn't planned on writing today, but while I was doing some leadership research this morning for my business, I came across a quote that I had to share with you. It wasn't what I'd set out to look for and honestly, can't quite figure out how it came into my search, but that only leads me to believe that I was supposed to read this today.

As a stay at home mommy who is trying to balance her home and her business, I easily get caught up in the 'to dos' of the day. Some days, those to do's get done and some days they don't. Some days I feel successful in the roles I play and some days I don't.

In this quote, Jim Valvano is so right. At the end of the day, if we have laughed, used our minds and cried, we have had a successful day!

Yes, maybe that means the laundry didn't get folded.. Maybe it means the dishes are still  in the sink from lunch. Maybe you have 100 emails you need to reply to. But maybe it means you did more listening, more dancing, more tickling, more sharing, more encouraging, more laughing, more thinking, more crying.

So while I'm working diligently on creating lists in the morning of the things I need to accomplish that day and will work to get them done, I need to be reminded that I'm in the process of growing children, loving my husband, following my Savior and leading my team. If by the end of the day, my entire to do list is checked off, fantastic! But if it's not and I've accomplished those 3 things Jim shared, I do believe I can lay my head down knowing that I've had one heck of a day!

- Amanda

We all have that one staple...

This is mine. I adore how I can wear it to church with my dresses or with a polo and jeans like I'm sporting today. We all have that one thing we know we can go to when we want to feel a little pulled together without a lot of work. What's yours?

Sticks and Stones

I have to say that this saying has always driven me crazy. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
I realize we use this to build up our children to not let someones attitude about them hurt their spirits, but the fact is, it's so untrue.
Words hurt. Whether said directly to or behind someones back, cruel words hurt.

Just this morning, my daughters and I were doing our weekly grocery shopping in a local store. The girls were behaving well and I was letting them pick our items off the shelves. We turned down an aisle and I asked my oldest to pick up an item we needed. Another lady nearby was needing something in the same area and so I was encouraging Katie to try and hurry up so we weren't in the way. When she couldn't find what I needed, I walked forward and picked up the item and ushered Katie back to our cart. No raised voice, no aggravation, just a simple instruction so we were showing respect to the other shopper.

As I put the item in the cart and we headed down the aisle, a woman approached me and scolded me. She told me that I needed to "chill out", rolled her eyes, stormed off and huffed about me under her breath. I stood there in shock. It was unwarranted and unnecessary. I turned to look at the other patron in the aisle and simply shrugged my shoulders with a look of confusion on my face for lack of something to say. Embarrassed, we went on to finish our shopping. I passed that shopped many times before we left and I could tell she felt bad for me.

Can I tell you what bothered me most about this experience? It wasn't that I didn't deserve it, because I didn't. It was that a total stranger felt it was reasonable to make someone else feel so small. To cut them down and certainly didn't mind doing it in front of her children. In those moments, I questioned my parenting. I racked my brain trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. I walked through the store in shame when no one else, sans the one shopper, saw what happened.
She felt it was okay for her to take, what I assume was a rotten day,  out on me. Someone she didn't even know.

As in all things, I try to pull lessons. On the car ride home, I talked to my girls about how it made me feel and how it's a reminder that we must never make anyone feel like that. That our roles are to uplift and love and support the people around us and to never put them down. It also challenged me to think about how many times one of my bad days was paid for by someone else. Frustrations taken out on my children or spouse or even friends when it had nothing to do with them. How my heart is challenged to keep my heart and my mouth in check.

So yes, sticks and stones may break one's bones....but words hurt just as badly. I will always endeavor to teach my children this and no longer that words cannot hurt them. Because they do and just as others words can hurt them, so can their words to others.



From the Word....

29 When you talk, don’t say anything bad. But say the good things that people need—whatever will help them grow stronger. Then what you say will be a blessing to those who hear you. Ephesians 4:29

21 The tongue can speak words that bring life or death. Those who love to talk must be ready to accept what it brings. Proverbs 18:21

18 But the bad things people say with their mouth come from the way they think. And that’s what can make people wrong. Matthew 15:18

24 Kind words are like honey; they are easy to accept and good for your health. Proverbs 16:24

3 People who are careful about what they say will save their lives, but those who speak without thinking will be destroyed. Proverbs 13:3