I've been wanting to write all weekend. I've told my hubby that I just couldn't think of what to write, when in all reality, I knew what I NEEDED to write. So why put it off? Maybe it's fear of being judged or misunderstood. Maybe it's fear of hurting someones feelings. Maybe it's because when it's finally written, I'm finally admitting how close Josh and I were to losing each other.
Regardless of those things, the time is now to share this with you.
If you know my husband and I, you have probably noticed a difference in us of late. It could be how we talk to or about each other or it might be how we act around each other. It might be that we hold hands in church, kiss in front of our girls or strive to support and make each other feel as valuable as we can.
We've actually had a few people say they've noticed something was different, but couldn't figure out what or why.
I have to stop right here and tell you that even as I type, this makes my heart sad. It's sad to me that the 'changed' us is doing this when as a married couple, we should have been doing this for the last 12 years. But I digress.
I think for you to really understand how we got here, you need to know more about me.
You see, I was never set up to succeed in marriage. I am the product of divorce and so are both of my parents. I don't ever remember my parents being together.
As I grew up, my relationship with my dad was very strained. I wanted nothing to do with him because I thought he felt the same for me. (let me insert here and tell you that now I have a great relationship with my dad and love him very much. I hate how much time we lost but am grateful for what we have now)
I also watched my mom go through an extremely abusive relationship. I have images of a man hitting my mother that I've never been able to erase from my memory. I watched her look for love for a long time only to have her heart broken over and over again.
Needless to say, not only did I not have an example of a healthy marriage or relationship to follow, but my respect for men in general was quite lacking.Why did I need that? But the truth is, I did need that. Not what I was seeing or experiencing, but I wanted to grow up and get married some day and for that marriage to last forever.
I only dated one person before I met Josh. I will not go into the details of that relationship because it isn't necessary. What I will say is that I let that relationship ruin a lot simply because I wanted to be loved and I let myself believe that what I was experiencing, even though my heart knew better. When the time had come that he was done with me, I was left feeling worthless. Let me be clear in saying that this relationship did not steal from me what I was saving for my future husband, but emotionally, I was certainly broken because of it.
Once again, another experience that was robbing me of knowing what it meant and how to love a husband.
That same year, I met Josh and 2.5 years later, we were married. We struggled so much in the beginning. Not only financially, but we also had things enter our marriage years that caused bitterness and heartache. Some things within our control and some things out. Divorce was never an option nor will it ever be. We were just going to have to get through it.
4 years in, we welcomed our first daughter. She was my little light and still is. She became the priority in my life above all else. Josh took second seat. 3.5 years later when our second daughter came along, he had to move to the third row. They were my shield from a heart that was still healing. They were my excuse as to why time with him wasn't a priority. I'm being brutally honest here, please don't judge me. I'm sure he had his things too. Things he used to cover the brokenness he was feeling. We would even go on overnight trips during this time to get away and try to just be 'us', but we sat in silence often. Neither of us were willing to break that silence because it meant showing each other how icky we felt on the inside.
Let's now jump forward to last February. 11.5 years having passed. Arguments in front of our children over silly things, going to bed angry with each other over nothing. Slowly growing apart behind our home's doors, while acting as if all was well on the other side of them. We had grown so far apart, that I couldn't even kiss him. Weeks would pass. Even as I type this out, I cry. It absolutely breaks my heart. He didn't deserve that.
Then everything changed. In February, whether it's because we had people praying for us or because God finally broke down the pride that lived in our hearts, everything changed. For the first time, in a very long time, we were able to sit down with each other and be honest...about everything. The difference here was that we didn't become defensive or run in circles saying "I'm doing this because you're doing that" which had been our go to so many times. We sat and we listened. We not only listened, but we heard. We heard how we had hurt each other with our actions and words. Little things that left gaping holes. I cried, we forgave and committed to start over again. It was then I knew that I needed to learn how to love my husband. I didn't know how before and that lack of knowledge, had it not been for stubborness, would have been what destroyed my marriage and would have left my own children as a product of their own parents divorce.
We have spent the last 6 months learning how to love each other better. We are communicating now in a way that we hadn't in the last 12 years. We are very open and honest about every little thing because when there is honesty, that's where love grows best.
I've learned that my husband needs to feel loved just as I do, but it's just in different ways. He needs to feel respected and looked up to. He needs to feel that he has the final say and that I trust him enough to follow him. He needs me to tell him I love him. Most of all, he needs me to let him love me.
What I've learned is that because of all my past hurts, I couldn't let Josh really love me. Maybe it was all subconscious, but I couldn't let what happened to my mom, happen to me. I needed to be the one in control. I couldn't let a man hurt me. That coupled with little to no self worth and value, my marriage was a recipe for disaster. Not because I didn't love Josh, but because I wouldn't let him really love me. Not only that but I truly believe that if we do not believe that we are worthy or love or valuable enough for it, we can never really let someone love us and what a dishonor we do ourseleves because of it.
I am so thankful for Josh. I cannot say this enough. He knows more about me than anyone. He knows how my heart has been damaged and he knows the struggles I get up and face every single day. He puts up with a lot(A LOT) of crazy, but yet he loves me. I am so thankful, even if it was because of pride, that he didn't walk away. We've talked about all of this since, for lack of a better term, the healing has taken place in our marriage and both of us have admitted to thinking at times of walking away. Not because we got in crazy huge fights or hated each other, but because we were both missing the love we so desperately needed from our marriage and we both wanted the other to have better than we were to them.
We have learned what it will take for us both to feel like we are living in a successful, love fueled marriage and strive every day to be that for each other. I have realized that I find worth and value and joy in working to become a Proverbs 31 wife to my God fearing husband. To be submissive in the way God intends and not the way society distorts. To honor Josh in the way I act towards others and towards him. In the way I dress and the way I raise our children and even the way I run my business and take care of our home.
I am finally learning how to love my husband and it is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.
So if you've seen this change in us and are wondering what has happened, now you know and I hope you can understand the freedom we now feel in our marriage. I hope you see that we are two people who are crazy in love with other like we've never been or never knew possible before. I hope you see two parents working hard to break a cycle and show their daughter's what a great marriage looks like. An example of a woman who loves and respects her husband and a husband who loves and respects his wife. A mother working towards a Proverbs 31 life.
If you find yourself in a marriage that's struggling, let me encourage you to not give up. Fight for it with all you have. Find someone who can minister to you and your spouse. Be honest and communicate clearly without tearing the other down. Know that they need to feel loved just as you need to feel loved. Give it all you have because you may be just around the corner from finding your healing.
-Amanda
From the Word:
Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and it cannot be made angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. 1 Corinthians 13:5
Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. 1 Corinthians 13:7
The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground. 1 Peter 3:7
By looking at them, the younger women will know how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. Titus 2:4
he same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.
4-6 Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands 1 Peter 3:14
10
