ATTENTION: No worrying necessary

Ever have one of those weeks where everything seems all sunshine and unicorns and then one small thing throws it all of course?

Well, that's what last week was for me.

Now let me preface this post by saying that by nature, I'm a worrier. I like to know exactly what's going on at all times and anything 'unplanned' or spontaneous makes me anxious. My sweet husband is the 'roll with the punches' kind of guy while I'm like "punches? What punches? AHHHHH!!! PUNCHES!!!" :)

I feel like it's important for you to know this so you know why I react to things the way I do. I like structure and predictability because that's what gives me peace.

And now all that unravels.... :)

I was headed out on Thursday to run some errands and grabbed my mail. There, inside the mailbox, was the piece of paper that through my day into a tailspin. A notice from our mortgage company telling us that our monthly payment would be increasing by $300! GASP! 

In a moment, I flew into panic. I started making phone calls while trying to hold back the tears choking in my throat. "Why is this happening?" "How will we afford this" "What will we do?" were only a few thoughts that went racing through my head. This was piled on top of some other situations that just simply caused my heart to go into panic mode.

In between calls, as I waited for answers, the tears came. As we drove on to our errands, my little girls were asking why I was upset. I gently replied that it wasn't for them to worry about. That there are things that happen and they're for mommy and daddy to worry about and not them. That is when my oldest daughter, Kate, very quickly replied, "No, it's not for you to worry about. It's for God to take care of."

Wow...right? I mean, she's 8 and half. Where does this kind of knowledge come from? I truly believe that God was using her to catch my attention in that moment and man, did He ever.

She was right. He is right.

I battled with emotions, frustrations, and calls all day long and into the evening and Kate's comment just kept coming back to me. As I laid in bed that night, I prayed about the situation. I told God that He asks us to lay every worry, care and concern at His feet and that's what I was doing. After all, this is one of those situations that only He was going to be able to fix. I asked for His intervention and His peace. 

When I woke the next day, I prayed the exact same thing again. Not only that, but I made the decision that I would not be letting this situation be the master of my day. I decided that any time the problem came in my head that day, that I would quickly shut it down and give God praise for something I was thankful for. Not only did that bring the peace I needed throughout the day, but it kept my heart distracted from worry.

And praise be to Him because by 4pm that day, we had our resolution! In a BIG way! Isn't God amazing???

He is the master of making opportunity from our circumstances.

So this is what I want to share with you. The first being is that we have no need to fear. We have no need to be concerned. God is the peacemaker. He is our Father is knows the needs each and every one of us have. Especially for those like me that need to feel like they're in control, letting go and letting God can be a huge challenge, but I can guarantee that His outcome will always be better than anything we can strum up.

The second is that when your heart is troubled, whether it be over finances, an illness, a situation with another person, that one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is praise. To choose in those quiet moments, when the scary things creep in, to stop and give God praise. Thank him for resolution in those situations or simply give Him praise for something else, but praise Him! He dwells in the praises of His people. 

I want to encourage you, as much as I need to remind myself, that God is in the details. He so desires us to lay our burdens at His feet. To give every tiny fear or unrest to Him. It's in faith that we do this, but in His love for us that He replies. When we feel like our world is out of control, that He is the master of it.

Sweet friends, I want to encourage you today to remember that your life isn't for you to worry about, but for God to take care of. 

-Amanda

From the Word:

6 Don’t worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks for what you have. 7 And because you belong to Christ Jesus, God’s peace will stand guard over all your thoughts and feelings. His peace can do this far better than our human minds. Philippians 4:6-7

Don’t worry—I am with you.
    Don’t be afraid—I am your God.
I will make you strong and help you. Isaiah 41:10

People might make many plans, but what the Lord says is what will happen.

Proverbs 19:21

I say this because I know the plans that I have for you.” This message is from the Lord. “I have good plans for you. I don’t plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future. Jeremiah 29:11

Remember, I commanded you to be strong and brave. Don’t be afraid, because the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Consistency Is Key

It's been something I've been chewing on for the last week or so. How important consistency is.
I truly believe that it is the key to all we do. To all our successes.

In my leadership role with my Scentsy business, I must be consistent. I have to continually lead, encourage and support. Not here and there. Not just when I feel like it, but consistently. Consistent leadership in any company will create loyalty and loyalty creates production. They want to work for you because you can be counted upon...always.

In my role as a friend, I must be consistent. I can't be the friend that's only there when it's good. I have to be there when it's bad. I have to be there to take late night phone calls and hard conversations. I have to always speak truth even when it's not what they want to hear. I have to be there to celebrate their lives and not become jealous. Consistent friendship creates trust and trust builds bonds that become hard to break. These are the friendships that will give you the greatest of worth.

In my role as a mother, I must be consistent. I can't say something I don't have intentions of following through on. Even greater than that, if I do say something, I need to remember it later. :) There is a quote that says " I may not always know what my child will do, but my child should ALWAYS know what I will do." I must not only be consistent in discipline and training up, but I also must be consistent in hugs, kisses, tickles and play time. I must consistently show them what a Christian mother looks like and what it means to to love the Lord. I can't ask them for self control if I can't hold on to my own. Consistent parenting creates security and is there nothing more a child craves (whether they know it or not) than security?

In my role as a wife, I must be consistent. I must always show my husband respect, even when it's hard. I must consistently forgive him for the silly things that frustrate me just as I hope he'll forgive me. I must consistently support, love and encourage him. We make these vows when we get married and then somehow quickly forget them when times get tough. I must consistently thank him for his hard work in our family. To the men, your wife needs consistency from you more than you know. It provides her her with all the things I've already mentioned. Loyalty, worth, security- the sames things you'll receive from her as she strives to be consistent for you. A consistent marriage will create a healthy marriage. Both partners will know exactly what to expect from the other and both will feel more fulfilled. This will lead to a happier, healthier home.

In my spiritual life, I must be consistent. I have to continually seek God's place in my life. I must read His word, apply it to each of these areas and strive to always build a stronger relationship with Him. Just as with friendships and marriage, I can't always go running to or even away from God when things are hard. It's the consistency of putting His will above my own each and every day.  It's not questioning his judgement, but looking for His lessons. For praising Him for His blessings and preparing praise reports when I'm uncertain.
I do believe leading a consistent spiritual life can be tougher sometimes than all of the above, but it's absolutely the most crucial. You see, when we are where we should be with our Creator, we are much more able to let Him lead us in the rest. A consistent spiritual life brings peace and there is nothing my heart needs more.

As in everything, consistency isn't always easy, but it is essential! Nothing can be achieved without it. It's about doing the little things each day that will continue to make us greater. I challenge you to seek for consistency and not complacency in your life as I do the same.

Home Improvement

After last week's post , my heart has been so blessed. To be honest, I expected silence from that blog. Uncomfortable silence. Instead, you all have opened your own hearts to me sharing how you'd been there, are there or feel like you're getting there. I've been able to hear how you are starting over in your own marriages after my 'coming clean' and to say that it has brought confirmation that it was the right time/place to share our story is an understatement. I'm thankful God moved on my heart and brought my fingers to the keys last Monday night.

In light of that, I asked my husband if he'd be willing to write a little something regarding the healing in our marriage. We both have seen so much change in our relationship and own lives, that I knew he'd have something valuable to share.

As I read his entry, I couldn't help but think about how much we as women, in an effort to be 'equal'  can end up taking away any chance our husbands have of supporting, loving, and providing for us in the way God has intended. At the same time, as this happens, men over time haven't stood up and been firm in their roles. Maybe because what Josh talks about below is just easier than fighting with a stubborn woman who wants her way (even if it's not the best way). Regardless, God has set in place a perfect design for the marital relationship if we are willing to follow it. It doesn't mean that women can't be strong, work, provide and have opinions. It does mean that we have to be willing to let our husbands lead our families. We trusted them enough to marry them and have children with them, we MUST trust them enough to guide us and take care of us.

And now, a word from My Mr....

My darling wife has asked me to write something for this blog.  I said “sure!”  That was stupid.  I failed to consider the fact that most of you who are reading this blog are women; and many of you have been very moved by one or more of Amanda’s posts.  I am glad that she has been able to share our experiences; but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a bit intimidating to try to follow all of that. 

If you have been reading you know by now that things are really good between Amanda and I right now; but that this hasn’t always been the case.  While she has shared several reasons for this already; including her past and how that shaped her perceptions of relationships; it’s not the whole story.  The rest of the story might not be as interesting; but it may be the most common thread in all of this. 

For the first 10+ years of our marriage; I had no idea how to be the husband that Amanda needed and deserved.  Don’t get me wrong, I was the perfect husband… if you judge by what you see on TV.  I had fallen into the prototypical role of a husband/father that is depicted in nearly every American sit-com in the past 40 years.  I had a job; came home; spent time in the recliner in front of the TV, patiently waiting on my wife to hurry it up with dinner; and played the part of the overgrown child fairly well.  I reasoned that I worked hard; and when I came home it was my time to relax; grumble if the kids were too loud; and catch up on whatever I could manage on Sportscenter.  If I was involved in something; it was one of my projects; a race-car; a truck that I never got quite right; something that separated me from my family.

All of this seemed perfectly normal.  From Tim Allen to Homer Simpson to Ray Romano; I was fitting right into the mold.  Unfortunately; it’s not a mold that anyone should want to fit into.  This isn’t what I needed; what Amanda needed; and definitely not what my two young daughters needed.  Husbands are not another child to raise.  They aren’t to be buffoons that our wives get together and one-up each other with embarrassing stories over.  Whether or not we are the primary financial provider (which is less and less likely) we should come home to be engaged with our families; not to shut them out.  My daughters need to see someone who is happy to see them and play with them.  Who shows them attention and loves their mother.  My wife needs to know that I can’t wait to get home to her; not ESPN.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t take time to rest or re-charge; but should we be doing that at the expense of the people we love most?

As Amanda and I reassessed our roles in our marriage; it forced me to look at my role in our family overall.  I’m still working on it.  There are still times that I fail to show my family the attention that the need and deserve; but I’m working on it.  I may never be the perfect husband or father; but I can darn sure beat the Tool Man.

From the Word:

25 Husbands, love your wives the same as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. Ephesians 5:25

4 He must be a good leader of his own family. 1 Timothy 3:4

18 Wives, be willing to serve your husbands. This is the right thing to do in following the Lord.

19 Husbands, love your wives, and be gentle to them. Colossians 3:18-19

Learning how to love my husband

I've been wanting to write all weekend. I've told my hubby that I just couldn't think of what to write, when in all reality, I knew what I NEEDED to write. So why put it off? Maybe it's fear of being judged or misunderstood. Maybe it's fear of hurting someones feelings. Maybe it's because when it's finally written, I'm finally admitting how close Josh and I were to losing each other.

Regardless of those things, the time is now to share this with you.

If you know my husband and I, you have probably noticed a difference in us of late. It could be how we talk to or about each other or it might be how we act around each other. It might be that we hold hands in church, kiss in front of our girls or strive to support and make each other feel as valuable as we can.
We've actually had a few people say they've noticed something was different, but couldn't figure out what or why.

I have to stop right here and tell you that even as I type, this makes my heart sad. It's sad to me that the 'changed' us is doing this when as a married couple, we should have been doing this for the last 12 years. But I digress.

I think for you to really understand how we got here, you need to know more about me.
You see, I was never set up to succeed in marriage. I am the product of divorce and so are both of my parents. I don't ever remember my parents being together.

As I grew up, my relationship with my dad was very strained. I wanted nothing to do with him because I thought he felt the same for me. (let me insert here and tell you that now I have a great relationship with my dad and love him very much. I hate how much time we lost but am grateful for what we have now)
 I also watched my mom go through an extremely abusive relationship. I have images of a man hitting my mother that I've never been able to erase from my memory. I watched her look for love for a long time only to have her heart broken over and over again.

Needless to say, not only did I not have an example of a healthy marriage or relationship to follow, but my respect for men in general was quite lacking.Why did I need that? But the truth is, I did need that. Not what I was seeing or experiencing, but I wanted to grow up and get married some day and for that marriage to last forever.

I only dated one person before I met Josh. I will not go into the details of that relationship because it isn't necessary. What I will say is that I let that relationship ruin a lot simply because I wanted to be loved and I let myself believe that what I was experiencing, even though my heart knew better. When the time had come that he was done with me, I was left feeling worthless. Let me be clear in saying that this relationship did not steal from me what I was saving for my future husband, but emotionally, I was certainly broken because of it.

Once again, another experience that was robbing me of knowing what it meant and how to love a husband.

That same year, I met Josh and 2.5 years later, we were married. We struggled so much in the beginning. Not only financially, but  we also had things enter our marriage years that caused bitterness and heartache. Some things within our control and some things out. Divorce was never an option nor will it ever be. We were just going to have to get through it.

4 years in, we welcomed our first daughter. She was my little light and still is. She became the priority in my life above all else. Josh took second seat. 3.5 years later when our second daughter came along, he had to move to the third row. They were my shield from a heart that was still healing. They were my excuse as to why time with him wasn't a priority. I'm being brutally honest here, please don't judge me. I'm sure he had his things too. Things he used to cover the brokenness he was feeling. We would even go on overnight trips during this time to get away and try to just be 'us', but we sat in silence often. Neither of us were willing to break that silence because it meant showing each other how icky we felt on the inside.

Let's now jump forward to last February. 11.5 years having passed. Arguments in front of our children over silly things, going to bed angry with each other over nothing. Slowly growing apart behind our home's doors, while acting as if all was well on the other side of them. We had grown so far apart, that I couldn't even kiss him. Weeks would pass. Even as I type this out, I cry. It absolutely breaks my heart. He didn't deserve that.

Then everything changed. In February, whether it's because we had people praying for us or because God finally broke down the pride that lived in our hearts, everything changed. For the first time, in a very long time, we were able to sit down with each other and be honest...about everything. The difference here was that we didn't become defensive or run in circles saying "I'm doing this because you're doing that" which had been our go to so many times. We sat and we listened. We not only listened, but we heard. We heard how we had hurt each other with our actions and words. Little things that left gaping holes. I cried, we forgave and committed to start over again. It was then I knew that I needed to learn how to love my husband. I didn't know how before and that lack of knowledge, had it not been for stubborness, would have been what destroyed my marriage and would have left my own children as a product of their own parents divorce.

We have spent the last 6 months learning how to love each other better. We are communicating now in a way that we hadn't in the last 12 years. We are very open and honest about every little thing because when there is honesty, that's where love grows best.

I've learned that my husband needs to feel loved just as I do, but it's just in different ways. He needs to feel respected and looked up to. He needs to feel that he has the final say and that I trust him enough to follow him. He needs me to tell him I love him. Most of all, he needs me to let him love me.

What I've learned is that because of all my past hurts, I couldn't let Josh really love me. Maybe it was all subconscious, but I couldn't let what happened to my mom, happen to me. I needed to be the one in control. I couldn't let a man hurt me.  That coupled with little to no self worth and value, my marriage was a recipe for disaster. Not because I didn't love Josh, but because I wouldn't let him really love me. Not only that but I truly believe that if we do not believe that we are worthy or love or valuable enough for it, we can never really let someone love us and what a dishonor we do ourseleves because of it.

I am so thankful for Josh. I cannot say this enough. He knows more about me than anyone. He knows how my heart has been damaged and he knows the struggles I get up and face every single day. He puts up with a lot(A LOT)  of crazy, but yet he loves me. I am so thankful, even if it was because of pride, that he didn't walk away. We've talked about all of this since, for lack of a better term, the healing has taken place in our marriage and both of us have admitted to thinking at times of walking away. Not because we got in crazy huge fights or hated each other, but because we were both missing the love we so desperately needed from our marriage and we both wanted the other to have better than we were to them.

We have learned what it will take for us both to feel like we are living in a successful, love fueled marriage and strive every day to be that for each other. I have realized that I find worth and value and joy in working to become a Proverbs 31 wife to my God fearing husband. To be submissive in the way God intends and not the way society distorts. To honor Josh in the way I act towards others and towards him. In the way I dress and the way I raise our children and even the way I run my business and take care of our home.

I am finally learning how to love my husband and it is the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.

So if you've seen this change in us and are wondering what has happened, now you know and I hope you can understand the freedom we now feel in our marriage. I hope you see that we are two people who are crazy in love with other like we've never been or never knew possible before. I hope you see two parents working hard to break a cycle and show their daughter's what a great marriage looks like. An example of a woman who loves and  respects her husband and a husband who loves and respects his wife. A mother working towards a Proverbs 31 life.

If you find yourself in a marriage that's struggling, let me encourage you to not give up. Fight for it with all you have. Find someone who can minister to you and your spouse. Be honest and communicate clearly without tearing the other down. Know that they need to feel loved just as you need to feel loved. Give it all you have because you may be just around the corner from finding your healing.

-Amanda


From the Word:

 Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and it cannot be made angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. 1 Corinthians 13:5

 Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. 1 Corinthians 13:7

The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground. 1 Peter 3:7

By looking at them, the younger women will know how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. Titus 2:4

he same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.

4-6 Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands 1 Peter 3:14

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